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A long-ago love pops up, but I have a life now

Photo Credit: Cliffview Pilot

I’m not sure what made me click on Kevin’s profile. Could it just be curiosity — curiosity stemming from the fact that there was a woman standing with him in his picture? OK, I have to be honest: That’s what made me look. But not because I have feelings for him anymore.

I don’t feel much of anything when I look at him… except… well, I’m not quite sure what to call it.

I barely see the Kevin I met 22 years ago. In fact, I don’t even see that Kevin at all. The All-American surfer boy is gone. All I see now is a tattooed man who looks hardened by life. Nothing remains of the boy I fell in love with.

Norma Garcia

I feel kinda sad that I don’t know him anymore. At one point in my life, I did love him very much. The strange thing is I hardly think about him anymore — even when I look at our son, Christian.

And that’s just sad.

I wonder if somewhere down the road I’ll eventually feel the same about Erik or Steve, if they’ll fade from my memory the way Kevin has. It makes me feel less of a person when I stop and think that someone who once meant so much to me never crosses my mind, except when someone mentions his name or if, by chance, I happen to hear a song that reminds me of our time together.

Looking at his photos, I saw one of him taken on Father’s Day. He is on a beach with a little girl who is probably about 9 years old. I assume she’s his daughter, Alexis. I felt slightly detatched. I wondered why I wasn’t angry or hurt. I had only one photo of Christian with Kevin. But Erik destroyed it years ago.

I recall the many Father’s Days that I’d make sure Christian and I gave Kevin cards and/or presents… We gave them even if we hadn’t spoken to or seen him in months. I used to tell him that one day he wasn’t going to get anything from Christian or me. That it’d be no one’s fault but his own.

He’d just give me that look, then say” “Hmmmmph. Yeah. Whatever… Shut the f*** up.”

Well I’ve shut the f*** up now, Kevin. And not because you told me to but because I want to…for Christian but most of all for myself. By shutting the f*** up, I want you to know that I harbor no ill will towards you. I don’t hate you. I don’t love you anymore.

Do I still care for you? Maybe. But not in the sense that I’m thinking we could ever be together again. I don’t even know why we were ever together in the first place.

A long, long time ago, I did love you very much. And despite everything, I cannot act like our time together did not exist. Because it did. And nothing either one of us says or does will ever change that. So just know that I don’t want anything bad to ever happen to you. I will try to not bad mouth you anymore, even when I have reason to. I just don’t have it in me anymore.

In the end, I have to let go so that I can move on. It’s not going to take away the times we hurt each other. Those things happened and we cannot change them. But what’s done is done. And life’s too short for me to be pissed off at you anymore. Pissed off for the things that we could have or didn’t do…for the things we could have said or didn’t say…for many things that really don’t matter anymore. I just want for move forward with my life. I want the same for you too.

A long time ago — twelve years and a few weeks, to be exact — I met a boy named Kevin. But things happened over the years and we lost touch.

I’m not sure what you’re doing now, Kevin. I’m not sure it even matters anymore. But I hope that whatever you’re doing, you’re OK. I wish only the best for you.

I really do.

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